짝사랑

2008/03/22 00:58
0.
문득 난 왜 블로깅하나... 이런 자괴감을 느끼는 즈음에 은근한 격려를 주는 블로거가 있다. 이 글은 그 블로거가 쓴 글 중에 있는, 연애에 관한 글이 좋더라, 라는 구절 때문에 쓰는 글이다. 나 역시 연애감정에 대한 글을 쓰는게 참 좋은데, 민노씨.네에는 특히 그런 글을 쓴 일은 별로 없다.

내가 가장 많은 것을 배우는 한 블로그에서는 블로깅의 딜레마를 이야기한다. 그 딜레마는 물론, 거의 모든 블로거들에게 공통되는 딜레마겠지만, 내 경우를 좀더 이야기하자면, 내가 이 블로그에서 쓰는 글이란게, 무슨 정치니 사회니 블로기즘이니 저널리즘이니 하는 (일반적으로) 다소 딱딱하고, 건조한 주제들이 대부분이라서... 주로 쓰고 싶은 글보다는 '써야 하는 글'에 대한 알 수 없는 의무감으로 글을 쓴 것 같다는 생각이 들기도 한다. 물론 쓰고 싶은 글과 써야 하는 의무감을 느끼는 글은 서로 겹치거나, 혹은 구별이 어렵다.

아무튼 그렇게 그동안의 블로깅이 만들어놓은 일종의 페르소나라고 할까. 그 관성이 억압으로 작용하는 것 같다는 생각도 든다. 나는 실은 연애나 영화나 드라마, 소설, 시.. 아니면 그저 말도 안되는 공상 따위들에 쓰고 싶은 욕망이 훨씬 더 크다. 그렇게 스스로 느낀다. 그런데 그런 걸 쓰는게, 부끄럽다는 생각(수줍음을 느낀다..는 그런 유치한 감정 같은거)이 들 뿐더러... 안그래도 글을 올려놓고 후회하는 경우가 잦은 판에, "올려놓고 왜 이런 글을 올렸지 하고 얼굴이 화들짝거리는 경우"가 더 많아질 것 같아서...

하지만 나는 스스로 부끄럽다고 생각하는 그 성격만큼이나 그 성격을 위장하기 위해 내가 만든 성격, 뭐랄까 좀 뻔뻔한 성격이랄까... 그런 것도 있기는 해서... 언젠가는 '민노씨 글쓰는 거 보면 피도 눈물도 없는 것 같다'는 취지의 댓글을 만난 적도 있다. 물론 아무리 스스로를 잘 위장하더라도, '얼굴 빨개지는 아이', 그 유년의 왕국 속에 있는 풍경들이 쉽게 사라지는 건 아니겠지만... 역시나 서설이 길어졌다. 항상 이런 식이다. 쓰다보면 말은 말을 낳고, 생각은 다른 연상들을 낳는다. 하나만 낳아 잘 기르자.

이 글은 아주 예전에 네이버블로그에서 몇몇 이웃들에게만 썼던 글을 추고한 글이다. 이런 개인적인 기억을 추고한다는 게 좀 이상하기도 하지만, 그래도 그 시간들을 생각하니, 오래된 기억은 항상 따뜻한데, 아주 조금은 마음이 따뜻해지는 걸 느낀다.

1. 짝사랑의 기억들.

짝사랑, 슬프다. 슬픈 생각이 드는거다. 난 그게 싫다. 그런데 문득 그게 그립기도 하다. 짝사랑은 사랑이 아니다. 나에게는 그렇다는 거다. 사랑과 짝사랑의 경계는 이렇다. 사랑은 이미지라는 점에서, 그건 짝사랑이랑 같다. 짝사랑 역시 이미지를 만들어주니까. 그리고 그 이미지로 사는건, 그렇게 그 풍경 속에서 즐겁거나 행복하거나.. 쓸쓸한 건... 그건 서로 같다. 

부버가 그랬다. "사랑은 나와 너 '사이'에 있다"고. 난 그게 정말이라고 생각한다. 짝사랑은 나와 너 '사이'에 없다. 그건 나와 내가 만든 공상 사이에 있다. 그 공상, 이미지를 만들어주는 건 사랑에서는 '너'지만, 짝사랑에서는 '나'다. 그리고 결정적으로, 짝사랑은 그게 아무리 성공적이더라도 '살을 부빌 수는 없다'. 사랑하는 사람들은 서로 살을 부빈다. 그건 정말 어마어마한 차이다. 아무리 훌륭한 짝사랑도 그걸 뛰어넘을 수는 없다. 인간은 그걸 뛰어넘을 만큼의 상상력을 갖고 있지 않으니까.

이런 생각을 하면 이성복의 시가 떠오른다.

이제는 다만 때 아닌, 때 늦은 사랑에 관하여

이제는 송곳보다 송곳에 찔린 허벅지에 대하여
말라붙은 눈꺼풀과 문드러진 입술에 대하여
정든 유곽의 맑은 아침과 식은 아랫목에 대하여
이제는, 정든 유곽에서 빠져나올 수 없는 한 발자국을
위하여 질퍽이는 눈길과 하품하는 굴뚝과 구정물에 흐르는
종소리를 위하여 더럽혀진 처녀들과 비명에 간 사내들의
썩어가는 팔과 꾸들꾸들한 눈동자를 위하여 이제는
누이들과 처제들의 꿈꾸는, 물 같은 목소리에 취하여
버려진 조개 껍질의 보라색 무늬와 길바닥에 쓰러진
까치의 암록색 꼬리에 취하여 노래하리라 정든 유곽
어느 잔칫집 어느 상갓집에도 찾아다니며 피어나고
떨어지는 것들의 낮은 신음 소리에 맞추어 녹는 것
구부러진 것 얼어붙은 것 갈라터진 것 나가떨어진 것들
옆에서 한 번, 한 번만 보고 싶음과 만지고 싶음과 살 부비고 싶음에
관하여 한 번, 한 번만 부여안고 휘이 돌고 싶음에 관하여
이제는 다만 때 아닌, 때 늦은 사랑에 관하여

- 이성복

그게 얼마나 끔찍하게 지랄 같은건지...
얼마나 상투적이고, 또 상투적이라서 더 간절한건지..
아는 사람은 안다.


2.

누군가 짝사랑을 하고 있다고 해서...
그런데 딱히 난 해줄 말이 없다.
다만 어떤 시가 생각났다.


푸른 밤

너에게로 가지 않으려고 미친 듯 걸었던
그 무수한 길도
실은 네게로 향한 것이었다

까마득한 밤길을 혼자 걸어갈 때에도
내 응시에 날아간 별은
네 머리 위에서 반짝였을 것이고
내 한숨과 입김에 꽃들은
네게로 몸을 기울여 흔들렸을 것이다

사랑에서 치욕으로,
다시 치욕에서 사랑으로,
하루에도 몇 번씩 네게로 드리웠던 두레박

그러나 매양 퍼 올린 것은
수만 갈래의 길이었을 따름이다
은하수의 한 별이 또 하나의 별을 찾아가는
그 수만의 길을 나는 걷고 있는 것이다

나의 생애는 모든 지름길을 돌아서
네게로 난 단 하나의 에움길이었다.

- 나희덕


3. 짝사랑 후기.
민노형 글을 뒤집어보면... 살을 부비는 건... 아무런 좋아하는 감정 없이 순수한 성욕만으로도 가능한 일이고... 또한 애초에 짝사랑 비슷하게... 상대에 대한 공상이나 환상 같은게 없으면 사랑이라는게 시작되지도 않기 때문에... 여튼 간에... 짝사랑도 사랑이라고 생각한다고... 적어도 내 생각에는...그리고... 짝사랑 하는 당시의 감정이란게... 의외로 되게 좋아, 소중하고... 스킨쉽보다 못할건 없지... 그 소중한 감정에... 스킨쉽이 동반된다면야 말할 것도 없기는 하지만...근데... 아무리 내가 짝사랑이란 걸 좋아하기는해도... 어쨋든 정신을 피폐하게 만들 수도 있는 피학적인 취미인 이상은... 오래할만한 건 못된다고 생각... 

- 지금은 군대에 있을 어떤 블로거 벗이 나에게 했던 말.


난 그다지...
그건 마치 운명의 주인공인 자기를 비극 속에 던져 버리는 슬픈 자위행위 같아서..
그러니 마치 사춘기의 과장되고, 비극적인 환상같아서.
난 그 신화적인 환상과 과장된 슬픔이 싫어서 짝사랑이 싫다.

하지만, 어리석게도 사람들은, 나는 늘 누군가를 짝사랑하는 것 같다는 생각을 한다.
늘 누군가를 그렇게 짝사랑하고 있는거다.

그게 너무 화나고,
그게 너무 슬픈데...
그런데 그렇게 스스로 억울하게,
자신을 바라보고...
그렇게 짝사랑하면서,
짝사랑을 증오하고 있는거다...



트랙백

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  1. Subject : 봄이 건달처럼 나에게로 왔다..

    Tracked from mepay 쇼핑몰 전문 블로그 2008/03/22 03:10 del.

    남들이 아무리 좋은 책이라고 하더라도..개인적으로 읽었을 때 한 30분 정도 읽었는데 삘이 안온다면 난 과감히 덮어 버리곤 한다... 아직 그 책과 내가 인연이 닿지 않은 것이다.. more.. 지식 역시 사람은 자기가 기다리는 것만을 만난다고 한다.. 억지로 다 읽고, 억지로 해석해고, 분석해서 남들에게 그 책 읽은 척, 아는 척 하는 건... 안 읽은 것 만도 못하며.. 그 책을 다시는 다시 만날 수 없으며, 그 책에 들어 있는 유일한 아우라를..

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  1. 민노씨 2008/03/22 01:11

    * 이성복 부분 추가.

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
  2. 너바나나 2008/03/22 01:38

    설마 절? 저는 사랑하지 마시길....

    살을 부빈다는 말과 스킨쉽이란 표현은 안드로메다만큼의 차이가 있는 것 같구만요. 살을 부빈다에서 느껴지는 그 일체감 같은 감정은 단순이 몸을 접촉하는 것과는 차원이 다른 것 같구만요.
    암튼 이 노래가 생각나구만요! 이런 새벽에 청승 맞게 듣기엔 딱이더만요.

    http://musicletter.tistory.com/entry/사랑-그-쓸쓸함에-대하여양희은

    다시 또 누군가를 만나서
    사랑을 하게 될 수 있을까?
    그럴 수는 없을 것 같아.

    도무지 알 수 없는 한가지
    사람을 사랑하게 되는 일
    참 쓸쓸한 일인 것 같아.

    사랑이 끝나고 난 뒤에는 이 세상도 끝나고
    날 위해 빛나던 모든것도 그 빛을 잃어버려

    누구나 사는 동안에 한번
    잊지 못할 사람을 만나고
    잊지 못할 이별도 하지.

    도무지 알 수 없는 한 가지
    사람을 사랑한다는 그 일
    참 쓸쓸한 일인 것 같아.

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 15:52

      답글이 너무 늦었네요. ^ ^;
      주말동안 푸~~욱 늘어지다보니...

      아쉽게도(?) 제가 양성애 취향이거나, 동성애 취향은 아니라서 말이죠.
      물론 그런 취향은 성적 취향에 불과하다고 생각하지만요. ㅎ

      양희은의 그 노래는 참 쓸쓸하죠.

  3. mepay 2008/03/22 03:11

    "민노씨 글쓰는 거 보면 피도 눈물도 없는 것 같다" 제가 그랬습니다. ^^;
    이글을 보니 아니군요 ㅎㅎ

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 15:54

      답글이 너무 늦어졌네요. ^ ^;
      네, 기억합니다.
      항상 선문답 같은 mepay님 오묘한 댓글이 은근히 블로깅하는 재미였는데, 그 댓글 이후로 댓글이 뜸하신 것도 기억합니다. ㅎㅎ

  4. comodo 2008/03/22 06:07

    푸하 바로 위 mepay님의 댓글에 완전 공감입니다 크킄

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 15:54

      제가 그동안 정말 피도 눈물도 없는 이미지였나보네요. ㅠ.ㅜ;;
      초큼 억울하기도 하지만..ㅎㅎ

  5. 비트손 2008/03/22 13:04

    그동안 저도 맘속으로 오해한점 사과드립니다. :D 이런글이 전 더 좋군요.(^^)

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 15:56

      앗, 비트손님마저.. ㅠ.ㅜ;
      그런데 가만히 생각해보면 그런 모습도 제(가 만든) 모습이니까요. ^ ^;
      속마음 전해주셔서 고맙습니다. ㅎ

  6. 여울바람 2008/03/22 21:29

    저는 블로깅을 할 때, 제가 내뱉고 싶은 것만 내뱉어요.
    그래서, 블로그 가득 '감정'이 가득합니다.-_-;


    덕분에, 블로그 구독자는 거의 없는 수준이지만요.-_-;

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 15:57

      그런 블로깅도 '그것이 공개'된다는 점에서는 개인적인 이야기만은 아니라고 생각합니다. 하지만 여전히 그런 솔직한 감정들을 풀어놓는, 좀더 개인적인 이야기들을 풀어놓고, 그런 감정에 대해 스스로 궁금해하는 블로깅은 블로깅 하는 가장 본질적인 감정, 동기에 가깝지 않나 싶어요.

      구독자들께서 보석을 몰라보시네요. : )

  7. 히치하이커 2008/03/23 06:18

    누가 그러더군요. "짝사랑은 끈질기게!"
    짝사랑이라도 누군가를 좋아할 마음의 여유가 있다는 건 행복하다고 생각합니다(가진 자의 여유?!).

    저는 블로그에 살을 마구 부비는(매우 '육'적인) 사랑이나 관계에 대해 쓰고 싶은데 막상 쓰긴 어렵더군요. 히히히.

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/23 16:00

      ㅎㅎㅎ
      짝사랑하는, 혹은 짝사랑할 수 밖에 없는 그 끔찍하게 지랄같은 쓸쓸함에 대해, 그것을 끈질기게, 여유를 갖고 할 수 있다는 건.. 참으로 놀라운 경지가 아닐까 싶습니다.

      저는 살을 부비는 그 풍경들이야 말고 가장 경건하고, 정신적인 풍경이 아닐까 싶은 생각도 자주 합니다. ㅋㅋ.

  8. 손윤 2008/03/24 03:54

    문득 민노씨의 이 글을 읽어면서 ... 한국어로는 뭐라고 표현하는지 잘 모르겠습니다만, 일본어에는 료오모이(兩思い) - 서로 짝사랑할 뿐 고백을 못하고 있는 상태 - 라는 말이 있는데, 사실 인간의 기억이라는 것이 자기 편의적이기에 ... 과거의 짝사랑들을 떠올리면서, 내가 한 것은 짝사랑이 아니라 료오모이였다고 자신에게 유리하게 기억을 편집하고 있는 것에 놀랐습니다. 어쨌든 저는 과거도 그렇고, 지금도, 또한 앞으로도 제가 하는 짝사랑은 료오모이라고 믿고 싶습니다. ㅠㅠ

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/24 14:16

      '료오모이(兩思い)'라니...
      참 독특하면서, 또 동시에 일본적인 감수성이라는 생각을 하게 됩니다.
      손윤님께서 '료오모이'에 대해 손윤님만의 독특한 감수성으로 써주시면 참 흥미롭고, 재밌는 글이 될 거란 생각이 드네요.

      '변기통 속의 삼류잡지'에는 업뎃이 오랜동안 멈춘 것 같아서 말이죠.
      http://gooraz.tistory.com/
      물론 저도 '키노21'을 방치하고 있는 중이지만요. ㅡㅡ;;

  9. 비아메디아 2008/03/24 11:11

    "살을 부비는 그 풍경들이야 말로 가장 경건하고, 정신적인 풍경이 아닐까 싶은 생각"에 공감합니다. 그건 신성한 것이라고 제 직업을 걸고 재가(sanction)해드리지요. ^^

    그나저나, 게으르게 블로깅하지만, 저도 같은 딜레마에 있어요. 어쨌든 저는 틈새를 이어가면서 쓰는 것 같아요. 다른 분들이 잘 하면 그건 내버려 둬도 잘들 하실테니, 안 건드리는 부분을 함께 해보겠다는 것이죠 (물론 제 동네에서만). 뭐 그게 늘 성공하는 것은 아니지만요. 저도 짝사랑 같은 이야기 많이 써보고 싶은데, 그럼 좀 목숨이 위험해지죠. ㅎㅎ

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 민노씨 2008/03/24 14:23

      안그래도 좀전에 주신부님 댁에 다녀왔습니다. : )
      요즘 부쩍 새로운 글이 자주 올라와서 기분이 참 좋네요.
      특히나 예전에 지나쳤던

      흑인 설교 전통과 미국 정치 및 문화
      http://viamedia.or.kr/2008/03/17/190/

      란 글을 다시 찬찬히 읽었는데요.

      오바마와 관련해서 그의 멘토인 라이트 목사의 '갓 뎀 아메리카' 설교를 확대재생산하는 '여우(폭스TV)'의 교활한 사냥질(읽으면서 우리나라 거대신문들이 연상되더군요), 백인우월주의와 문제 내재적 접근이 아닌, 피상적이고, 감상적인 선동의 위험에 대해 격정적이고, 비판적으로 써주신 글 잘 읽었습니다.

      주신부님의 '짝사랑' 이야기라니...
      말씀만으로도 흥미롭네요.
      언제 한번 꼭 써주시면 좋겠습니다. ^ ^

  10. 쿨짹 2008/03/25 11:09

    이런 글을 민노씨.네서 읽다니 더 새로운데요.

    전 딱딱한 주제가 아닌 주로 내 자신을 홀라당 벗겨놓은 만큼의 기분으로 (때로는 이런것까지 다 쏟아내는 게 진정 잘하는 짓일까.. 까지의 감정이 들 때도 있음) 블로깅을 하는데도 종종 의무감으로 써야하는 글, 내가 쓰고 싶어하는 글 사이에서 갈등이 있죠. 왜 그런지는 모르겠어요.

    제가 생각하는 블로깅의 가장 원초적인 원칙은 (블로깅 뿐만이 아닌 다른 어떤 글쓰기의 원칙도) 후에 후회할 글들은 절대로 쓰지 말자하는 거거든요.

    어쨌든 이 짝사랑에 대한 부분의 느낌이 너무 좋아요. 짝사랑에 대한 해석이랄까 이해랄까... 어쩌면 짝사랑/사랑 그 컨셉 자체에 내포되어 있는 어떤 자기중심적(그렇다고 해서 민노씨께서 자기중심적이라는 건 아니구요...)임(self-centeredness)을 다시 한 번 생각해보게 하네요. ^^

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    • 민노씨 2008/03/25 20:21

      앗, 쿨짹님!
      정말 반갑습니다. : )

      저 자기중심적 맞습니다. ㅠ.ㅜ;
      그런데 누구나 자기중심적이라고 생각하는 편이긴 해요. ^ ^;
      타인을 존중하고, 배려하는, 시기하고, 질투하고, 증오하는 그 모든 감정은 대체로 자기 안에서 나오는 것 같기도 해요. 그런데 문득 사랑이란 걸 생각하면, 역시나 부버가 했던 이야기인데... "사랑은 감정이 아니다. 사랑에는 어떤 감정에도 없는 것, 한결같음이 있다" 뭐 이런 취지로 이야기한 것 같은데... 솔직히 그게 뭘까 싶은 생각이 들면서도.. 아, 그렇군.. 이러기도 합니다. ㅎ

  11. 용추 2008/03/28 00:59

    이문세 노래 올렸던 사람입니다.

    저작권법 단속이 강화된다고 하는데 뒤통수가 좀 간질간질한 게 사실이네요. 좋은 뜻으로 한다고 해도 그쪽에서 그런걸 알아주지도 않을 테고 말이죠.

    좋은 글이 참 많네요. 자주 와서 보고 갈게요~

    아, 그리고 나희덕님 시 좀 베껴 갑니다~ ^^

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    • 민노씨 2008/03/28 07:17

      이렇게 직접 찾아주시니 정말 반갑습니다. : )
      신저작권법은... 정말 한숨 나옵니다.
      지난 해 말에서 로펌이 중고생 상대로 삥뜯기하던데, 얼마전 MBC 뉴스를 보니 아직도 그 행태를 버리지 못했더군요. ㅡ..ㅡ;

  12. 이민오 2009/11/22 23:33

    나의 사랑 나의 기쁨 나의 예수님~

    이아름다운말 싫어한다는 그 사람의 짝사랑은 과연 누구였을까? 그렇게 방송하던 아나운서들이 좋으면 그애들과 결혼하지 왜 나한테 노크해서 거꾸로된 말들만 계속할까? 술과 담배... 말다해서 머해...

    perm. |  mod/del. |  reply.
    • 이민오 2009/11/22 23:34

      밤마다 악몽에 시달린다고 하면서... 부비적 부비적 하더니..글쎄... 하나님의 영광이 충만한 나라가 지금 임하고 있다는것에 대해서 왜 모를까...답답

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